Frequently Asked Questions
What is this about?
It is merely an insight into the disturbing – and often fatal – activities of two organisations for “ladies of a certain age”: the Moorgate Guild of Classical Female Elders and the Pimlico League of Educated Ladies (formerly the Victoria Branch of the Penge Institute of Ladies of the Night).
Each chapter consists of a collection of correspondence between the chairpersons of said organisations as they plan future events, reminisce and commiserate about past encounters and attempt to minimise the level of fatality and chaos their meetings seem to result in.
How did you find it?
The correspondence offered for your consideration herein first came to our attention one balmy evening in the summer of 2001 when, having gained server access to several financial institutions, one bakery and an amateur photographer, we accidentally found ourselves in the email account of Ms. Jodrell-Bentley.
And you read it all?
At first we simply amused ourselves by reading several indignant attacks on the Times’ Crossword Compiler, but eventually we came across the missives to and from Ms. Rossington-Smythe.
Finding ourselves quite captivated by the strange new world presented before us, we sensed that we had stumbled onto an area of genuine interest and it was but the work of moments to obtain all existing writings and ensure that subsequent contact would be forwarded directly to our own accounts.
Why is this of interest?
What we had unwittingly – not to mention, illegally – happened upon is,we are sure you’ll agree, a remarkable dialogue which provides even the most casual snoop with a fascinating insight into the mysterious world of the silver surfer. Equally it proves an interesting view of the activities of those groups whose membership almost entirely consists of “ladies of a certain age”.
We sincerely hope you find the correspondence as fascinating, diverting, and disturbing as we ourselves have done.
Have you changed the names?
For legal reasons we should point out that we have obtained the permission of the ladies concerned to publish these documents. Names have been changed, however, in order to protect the identities of those concerned (we hesitate to use the term “innocent” in any sentence regarding the activities of Miss Twigham and Ms. Zimmer).
Won’t the Women’s Institute sue?
The editors would like to stress that the two organisations depicted here are totally dissimilar to the Women’s Institute on many counts – not least because many of the members of that laudable institution are not possessed by demons, do not wield the occult like a baseball bat in a ghetto, and (unlike Ms. Zimmer) do not view death as an “optional extra”.
Who are the editors?
The editors are Rob Morris and Daniel Northover.
Rob is the son of an Anglican cleric – from whom he inherited a broad, surreal and occasionally puerile sense of humour – and spent his formative years in a series of parishes where he was able to observe various ladies’ – and indeed men’s – organizations at close hand.
Amazingly, Rob has a degree in English (a dual honours course combined, inexplicably, with Information Technology) and now lives in London with a collection of Daleks, a wine rack with a remarkably high-turnover, and a general feeling that writing this stuff is too much fun to ever make money from.
Daniel is the descendant of Celtic Wise Women and with a father who worked for Led Zeppelin he had a distinctive and original upbringing. He spent his youth in Bexhill-on-Sea where he found the geriatric population a great inspiration and sometimes an obstacle, physically, spiritually and politically.
Daniel also really, really wants to write for a living. If you think he shouldn’t and should instead live off phone donations please call 0870…