Cut-Price Holiday-Making
It’s a tragic fact that in this day and age so many people are still struggling to make ends meet and so, for them, the dream of a holiday abroad is a distant one.
However, Miss Mingeita has kindly put together a selection of pointers which will allow even those in the most straitened circumstances to achieve the same holiday experience as those who have managed to travel abroad.
The Hotel Room
- Take your usual mattress off the bed and replace it with poorly matched sofa cushions and blankets – the scratchier the better!
- See if you can buy second hand sheets from Youth Hostels – they’ll add a certain texture and stiffness to your comfort.
- Tape the noise of your daily activity and play it back to yourself as you go to bed. Aren’t you loud and inconsiderate!
- Arrange to have your kitchen and bathroom replaced by the council the week you’re on ‘holiday’. It’ll add an exciting frisson to the experience: will there be water? Will it be drinkable? There’s only one way to find out!
The Self-Catering Experience
- If you don’t like foreign food buy your usual food but unplug your refrigerator. It’ll give you a real taste explosion – and add a certain urgency to post-mealtime relaxation.
- If you do like foreign food then leave your fridge off for a month before the holiday. Then you can pretend the contents of the fridge are exotic ingredients – which they should be by then – yet still save money and electricity.
For Backpackers and Campers
- Try local green areas, your back garden, a nearby roundabout, grass verge or even a graveyard.
- Eat cold ravioli from a tin you had to split open on a rock.
- Remember: it’s probably what you’d do at home, but at least you’re getting some fresh air.
Fellow Travellers
- Get straight into the holiday spirit and invite vagrants into your home. You won’t ever want to see them again after the week is out!
- Have regrettable intimate relations with one of them – you won’t speak to each other again so what the hay!
For the Luxury Traveller
- Start behaving in such an odd manner that you are sectioned, not only will you be warm and comfortable, you will get the opportunity to meet an array of interesting strangers.
- Once medicated, you can also fill your mind with imaginary luxury mindscapes. (If that doesn’t work you can always pretend you’re at a health farm.)