The Hackney Marsh Debacle of 2002
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: The Horror of Hackney
I really am quite mortified by the whole affair. None of us on the committee knew for one minute that the area was to be so secured – and then to be asked to pay an entry fee really did add insult to injury.
In view of the events surrounding Miss Marchant’s accident I for one feel my decision to purchase a ticket instead of breaking through the fence was a wise one – although the vigour with which they insisted that I had to be happy (or somesuch phrase) in order to enter was somewhat off-putting.
Ms. Zimmer’s mercenary streak was extremely unfortunate. Even more so considering that with the length of the journey and the sheer number of willing customers, some of our ladies didn’t arrive until after tea. Miss Frimley in particular suffered due to her distressingly vigorous diabetes.
Your ladies did us proud, however, with regards to the tea you brought – although I must say Miss Trappet’s kedgeree can only be described as “insistent”. Even now Miss Twigham is occasionally responsible for it being brought back to my mind – not to mention, as she so colourfully puts it, my craw.
On the subject of Miss Twigham, I can only assume she must have been disoriented from inhaling methane during the journey and so the sight of so many shirtless young men put the idea in her head that she should do the same. Mercifully, the ladies from the “Dykes on Bikes” mistook her exposed flesh for some of their “biker gear” (and then later what is apparently called a “thong”) and took to her extremely well.
It was, however, so nice to see you again, although I was slightly disappointed that what we suspected would be the market tent was in fact a dance floor. It must be said, however, that the attention we received was most charming, and I am somewhat flattered they were so keen to ensure our good health with all those vitamins they passed round.