Spring Awakening
To: Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe
Subject: RE: Is all well?
My Dearest Clammy
I am so sorry to hear of your injury, but am most glad that you have finally recovered and that your group did not suffer any heavy losses.
Today I am afraid we have suffered the most appalling situation. As you may recall, we annually host a Crêpe Suzette competition, and this year it coincided with the release from the “Dustbowl Desiccation Clinic and Sanatorium” of Miss Hoxton and her sibling, Sister Consumptive of the Vinodetinto, from the Holy Order of St Jerez.
Despite being the incumbent leader of the group that had them committed I had been entirely unaware of their incarceration – which was apparently undertaken under the 1979 “Sealed Orders” agreement between ourselves and MI5 after the “Legs and Co.” incident.
Following their release, the ladies in question were of an unsettled nature and ultimately found to be steeped in meths. Needless to say, their immediate consumption of many of the liquids in the Chapter House left them in a dangerously flammable state and the Crêpe-flipping at the flambé stage of the process turned out to be dangerously ill-advised – it seems it was only Sister Consumptive’s Nunderwear that prevented serious burns.
Sadly Miss Hoxton appeared to have clad herself entirely in clothing purchased from Brentford Nylons during their closing down sale and her resulting conflagration was so intense that it has taken out a vertical column from cellar to belfry.
As a result we are not able to host many of our interest groups or our AGM due to the damage, nor will we be able to play host to any gatherings until there have been significant structural repairs. I wondered, therefore, if it was possible to have the restraining orders and relevant curses lifted so that you may be able to accommodate our events for a short while?
Yours hopefully,
Bats