Firestorm Over Europe
To: Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.
Subject: Fret not!
Dear Chlamydia
I apologise for the tardiness of my response but rest assured I have been well taken care of.
The last time I saw you was prior to Ms. Zimmer’s attempt to break into the shop prior to our arrival in Hamburg. I would like to stress, however, that I had merely entered the car to remonstrate with her.
Unfortunately I then became trapped when, due to the collision, the door was sealed with a mass of congealed Toblerone and Estee Lauder. Then, having taken on what appeared to be a large amount of brandy, both internally and by the crate, Ms. Zimmer then drove over the customs men and down the ramp at a quite remarkable speed .
It was then, on our way through Hamburg, that Ms. Zimmer decided to re-create the firestorm which had previously devastated the city. Naturally I attempted to prevent this but found it is surprisingly difficult to restrain someone who is lighting Molotov cocktails with her cigar. Ms. Zimmer also threatened me with a super-size Toblerone and some chocolate seashells so, mindful of my hypoglycaemia, I had to retrench my position somewhat.
This left me in the uncomfortable state of hurtling towards the Dutch border at speeds which, for someone more used to travel on British Rail, were almost inconceivable.
Thankfully, upon crossing the border I was able to part ways with Ms. Zimmer and the Thundersley (the residue having now been dissolved by a localised thunderstorm the car seemed to be generating itself) and left her to be pursued by Interpol.
I then proceeded to make my own way back to the coast by falling back on my “Girls Guide to Life” book and followed its instructions precisely by entering the nearest shop and having a fit of hysterics. The proprietors calmed me down with a cup of tea and some cakes and the next thing I knew it was a week later and I’d run up a bill of £900.
The rest of the story is far too unspeakable (and having read this missive back to myself I think I know what I am talking about) so I shall have to continue after a little lie down.