Firestorm Over Europe
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: I am beginning to regret this.
Batty,
I’m afraid I really don’t know where to begin. I must assure you that I had warned Miss Calshot not to take the liver salts before we left – she does get terribly agitated by travel – and I can only apologise on her behalf for the distressing episode that erupted just before the arrival of the taxis.
In retrospect, however (and despite the aversion of several members to being chauffeured in a hearse), it was a shame our conveyors didn’t provide more of their fleet to carry us. Seeking alternate forms of transport at that late stage proved most problematic for some of the more frail ladies in our party.
I must say, however, the attempt to commandeer one of dear Brian Souter’s contrivances on their behalf was probably a mistake on Miss Twigham’s part. To be fair, though, she did state her case in a quite convincing manner – not to mention a surprisingly forceful one, given that she was only armed with her ration book and a packet of pipe cleaners.
Actually, on the subject of the ration book perhaps you could assist me in persuading the Home Office to stop issuing them to her? I can understand their making an exception in her case since her reaction last time they stopped was quite excessively violent, but I do feel enough is enough. (For one thing the butcher is getting tired of the extra administration he must undertake in order to be recompensed).
I trust you are settled in your overnight accommodation? I shall join you early in the morning since I am currently still at the police station tending to the casualties of Miss Calshot’s over-active haemorrhoids.
Yours with the utmost concern,
Clam.