Down the Tubes
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: A Few Suggestions
Dearest Bats,
Given your reports of her size, extracting her from her current abode seems likely to prove the first major stumbling block. I do, however, hear rumour amongst my ladies that Enid’s metabolism “goes like the bloody clappers”. I am assuming that this means that it runs at a relatively high rate so might a sugar-free diet work wonders for her even in the relatively short time we have?
This does of course leave us with the problem of finding something the same consistency as, but of a lower calorie value than, peanut brittle. However since Miss Twigham seems determined to lace everything we make with crushed senna pods I feel it would be best to let your girls investigate this. (The last thing I wish to be responsible for is a laxative effect in a confined space).
We then face the problem of her overall removal given that both Regis House and London Underground are on a high alert. It does occur, however we could possibly coax her out with a trail of ginger wine leading to the flood defence at Borough. (Care however, should obviously be taken to ensure none of it is taken internally until she is suitably far from the station.)
Then of course there is the question of damage limitation following her removal since I am somewhat concerned for the harm she could cause were she free to wander above ground. Alternative containment does, therefore, seem our primary consideration.
I am assuming that even with an alternative diet the Thundersley will not be an option for quite some time yet – is there any chance we could get something larger near enough to her?