Chariots of Fire
To: Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe
Subject: Re: Commiserations and Condolences
Dearest Sarah,
My sympathies are there and I appreciate your concerns and consideration. Miss Trappett has since recovered from her ordeal and her eye has cleaned up a treat – though heaven knows what she would have done if it hadn’t been her glass one.
Miss Marchant’s behaviour was quite understandable and despite the somewhat unusual circumstances surrounding her membership I heartily support her continuance with your ladies’ group – despite her not technically qualifying for it.
Certainly the unfortunate breakages between Miss Jackman, Mrs Thomas and that charming Masseuse (finally coming in at 3 hips and 2 ribs) should have been considered a fairly likely outcome considering the height of the table and Mrs Thomas’s diabetes. However I’m sure we all hope for their speedy recoveries.
Which brings me to Mrs Roberts. As I’m sure you are aware she is the only member of our group to still be married to someone who is either: a) not passed on; or b) God; and I feel her behaviour has started to become somewhat unpleasant towards the other ladies.
Her attitude causes me even more surprise now that I have actually met Mr Roberts who is, and I feel that I cannot put this too strongly, a quite squalid little man.
I felt that her presence at our outing was highly detrimental to the ambience of the group and her attempts to draw attention to herself were most unseemly. It was, I’m sure you remember, she who started the towel flicking incident with Miss Twigham and I am currently giving serious consideration to having her blackballed (which, as Miss Marchant knows I’m sure, is no idle threat).
Ms. Zimmer, I am afraid to say, is in extremely rude health. Indeed she says her skin has now shrunk considerably after being immersed in the hot water and so she thanks you profusely. I’m afraid to say that you’ve taken years off her.
That said she is acting in an almost human fashion and this, coupled with Miss Twigham’s reformation, has proved it to be an interesting weekend. Maybe there’s something in the water.
I feel that the time is right to plan our next excursion into the wilds as ‘twere. Do you and your ladies have any suggestions?
I must go. I have obituaries to write.
Marjorie.