Chariots of Fire
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: An Urgent Change of Circumstance
It is my sad duty to inform you that Miss Twigham may, despite our best efforts, be attending our outing on Saturday. One hopes that this will not be the case, but she has evaded her captors and is returning with extreme haste to the area.
Needless to say we are quite disturbed by the news, not least Mrs Frapschott-Marsh who had vouched of the organisation’s efficiency only a few months earlier, following the assistance they had given her with regards to her husband.
In that instance the outcome of said gentleman’s sojourn in the Highlands was that – following years of near-constant infidelity – he spent his last days showing little inclination to stray; indeed I understand he completely refused to leave the confines of the broom cupboard for several weeks.
(It was the three bottles of Febreze which did for him in the end, of course, although one can only guess at how he managed to use the syringes in the dark.)
In contrast Miss Twigham seems to have been quite revived by the experience and, judging by the police report, discovered one or two unconventional arrangements for gorse and heather which suggest her captors’ methods rather backfired on them.
Naturally if she does insist on accompanying us to the spa I will insist she checks herself thoroughly for misplaced fronds prior to disrobing.
Despite this minor setback my members and I are looking forward to the weekend with great enthusiasm.
Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.