Dried Pasta and Cat-Litter Surprise
Mrs Saxon, one of our most pioneering money-saving experts, has offered the following recipe for your delectation. Suffice it to say that the results have proved remarkably effective on numerous occasions (although, regrettably, she has now been served a restraining order preventing her from entering any of the local pet shops for supplies).
Ingredients
- 500g Fusilli Pasta
- 500g Cat Litter (Paper or Corn-Based – not Silica)
- ½ Pint of Lant-Water
- 2 kg of Dried Kindling
- 100 ml of Firelighter Fluid
- Matches
Method
First, locate a suitable outdoor spot for cooking. (A lay-by or the central grassy reservation of a roundabout are ideal.)
Spread the firelighter fluid over the kindling, set in a small pile and light.
Heat the lant-water in a pan over the fire until tepid. (If the lant-water has been recently dispensed you may be able to skip this step.)
Add the pasta and cat litter to the pan. Do this slowly, one handful at a time, alternating between cat-litter and paste, whilst loudly singing bawdy songs or, in extremis, anything by Rodgers and Hammerstein.
Stir the mixture carefully (very carefully) then sit beside the fire weeping copiously.
When enough onlookers have been attracted, soil yourself.
Within 15 minutes you will have access to a reasonable meal. This will either have been paid for by a stranger or strangers; or else you will be in a police cell with nice cup of tea and a bun.
Cut-Price Holiday-Making
It’s a tragic fact that in this day and age so many people are still struggling to make ends meet and so, for them, the dream of a holiday abroad is a distant one.
However, Miss Mingeita has kindly put together a selection of pointers which will allow even those in the most straitened circumstances to achieve the same holiday experience as those who have managed to travel abroad.
The Hotel Room
- Take your usual mattress off the bed and replace it with poorly matched sofa cushions and blankets – the scratchier the better!
- See if you can buy second hand sheets from Youth Hostels – they’ll add a certain texture and stiffness to your comfort.
- Tape the noise of your daily activity and play it back to yourself as you go to bed. Aren’t you loud and inconsiderate!
- Arrange to have your kitchen and bathroom replaced by the council the week you’re on ‘holiday’. It’ll add an exciting frisson to the experience: will there be water? Will it be drinkable? There’s only one way to find out!
The Self-Catering Experience
- If you don’t like foreign food buy your usual food but unplug your refrigerator. It’ll give you a real taste explosion – and add a certain urgency to post-mealtime relaxation.
- If you do like foreign food then leave your fridge off for a month before the holiday. Then you can pretend the contents of the fridge are exotic ingredients – which they should be by then – yet still save money and electricity.
For Backpackers and Campers
- Try local green areas, your back garden, a nearby roundabout, grass verge or even a graveyard.
- Eat cold ravioli from a tin you had to split open on a rock.
- Remember: it’s probably what you’d do at home, but at least you’re getting some fresh air.
Fellow Travellers
- Get straight into the holiday spirit and invite vagrants into your home. You won’t ever want to see them again after the week is out!
- Have regrettable intimate relations with one of them – you won’t speak to each other again so what the hay!
For the Luxury Traveller
- Start behaving in such an odd manner that you are sectioned, not only will you be warm and comfortable, you will get the opportunity to meet an array of interesting strangers.
- Once medicated, you can also fill your mind with imaginary luxury mindscapes. (If that doesn’t work you can always pretend you’re at a health farm.)
Lady Cressingham’s Book of Financial Management
The now sadly out of print “Book of Financial Management” by Lady Esmerelda Cressingham was one which offered much sound advice on financial matters – as well as an extensive (if oddly-placed) section on seepage management.
Interestingly – if somewhat quaintly to modern tastes – she included several short memorable verses on the subject of debts and “asset acquisition” which we have decided to share with our readers here.
One such verse reads:
Clothes on a line are fair game
Clothes in a drawer, just the same.
But steal from a rack, skirts or a hat
And then be assured you’ll be blamed.
Which we feel sure is useful advice. Another suggests:
Big pants when you shop are a boon.
Try knickerbockers or pantaloons.
But don’t hide a marrow, as space is quite narrow,
And you’ll walk like you’ve eaten some prunes.
And finally:
When secreting the fruits of your labour
Be discreet with a parsnip or more
But here’s my advice, to you reader no price
A marrow would make you a whore!
It is worth noting that throughout the book there is something of a fixation on the marrow as a vegetable. We can only presume she felt it was a very economical vegetable as she later goes on to say “they do go a long way”.
As you can doubtless imagine, it was due to her occasional involvement with the then-named “Penge Institute of the Ladies of the Night”, that this book – compiled during occasional spells at His Majesty’s Pleasure – became a much loved and referenced work, not only by our ladies, but also the Widows’ chapter of the Greengrocer’s Guild.
Frugal Teatimes
Ms Anjina has reminded us of another thrifty tip when entertaining: keep old teabags and reuse them when guests come round. (She herself is still re-using a free PG Tips sample from 1987 for her increasingly infrequent visitors.)
Christmas Shopping
Mrs Broadhurst reminds us that charity shops can be a treasure trove when present shopping. Semi-soiled nightwear, Jackie Collins books with the smut inked out, records of traditional Scots music… all have their fans!
Reducing the Food Bill
Mrs Saxon offers some excellent advice for people on a budget: “it is always worthwhile rummaging through food bins at major supermarkets. There is a treasure trove of food to be found, as well as the occasional rat.”
Miss Twigham’s Famous Roadkill Ravioli
Ingredients
- A “quantity” of roadkill
- Miscellaneous Hedgerow Berries/Fruits (Preferably Non-poisonous)
- Pancakes
Method
First, fold together the roadkill and the hedgerow fruits. It is generally best at this point to pick out anything moving, and also check for any obvious tarmac (since it is not to everyone’s taste).
Spoon the mixture into the pancakes with a spoon or, if handy, the original shovel.
Fold the pancakes over and bake in the oven for 20 mins about 190C.
Serve to local children as mincemeat pancakes.
Do not discuss the contents with the police.
Additional Notes
Whilst it is hard to believe that a fully-grown llama would be out on the Balls Pond Road late at night (or indeed would commit suicide by stepping in front of a Thundersley going at full-pelt) it was generally conceded that the meat was particularly tender and suited to this recipe.
Gorilla, however, we could not recommend. Not least since it appeared on the menu shortly after that nice young man on the delicatessen counter in Asda vanished without trace.
Negotiated Congress
Ms Zimmer has offered us some advice regarding negotiated congress which, although she is amply qualified, we have had to decline since her qualifications expired some time ago. (Indeed, due to the Trade Descriptions Act she now has to offer the promise of “a horrible time”.)