Ms Havelock’s Christmas Cake
Ingredients
- 2 cups Flour
- 25g Butter
- 1 cup Water
- 1 tsp Baking Powder
- 1 cup Sugar
- 1 tsp Salt
- 1 cup Brown Sugar
- Lemon Juice to taste
- 4 large Eggs
- Nuts
- 1 bottle Tequila
- 1 bottle Port
- 1 Bottle Dry Sherry.
- 1 glass of Nail Varnish Remover
- 2 cups Dried Fruit
Method
Sample the tequila to check quality. Once quality has been assured take a large bowl, check the remaining tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level pint and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it’s best to make sure the Port is fine OK. Try a cup. Now try a pint – just to confirm that the measuring cup is of a different volume… Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of died fruits.
Pick the pigging fruit up off floor. Remove the remnants from your hair and face. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriverer.
Sample the Sherry to check for tonsisticicitystuency. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the Sherry for any residue in the bottom. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a shoon of spugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, finish the nail varnish remover and wipe counter with the cat.
Bingle Jells!
It is absolutely guaranteed that by Christmas Day you will get Chrismas Cake in hospital together with a nice meal. It is possible that it may be served through a straw.
Vegetables
Ms. Zimmer insists on us recommending cucumbers. She indicates that they are exceedingly effective but has not yet elaborated how.
Dealing with Stray Cats
Miss Flaubert recommends Vicks Vapo-rub for keeping cats out of your garden. As long as you’re careful the creeping tom will merely be stunned by the jar, but not permanently damaged (thus avoiding any complications with the Bow Street runners).
Alternative Medicine
Miss Havelock considers that as far as alternative medicines go, Gin is most efficacious as a local anaesthetic and sterilising agent when taken internally. If applied in sufficient quantity you won’t feel a thing for hours (or, for the adventurous, the whole of 1974).
Health Warning
The current condition of Miss Barleycombe reminds us of some advice that should serve future generations well: do not drink Dettol.
Stained Steel
Baby oil is excellent for cleaning brushed stainless steel. However it is not advisable to squeeze it from your neighbours’ babies. Instead choose one from a few streets away so no suspicion falls on you.
Dealing with Heavy Soiling
To remove heavy soiling, coat the offending area with melted chocolate and inform the local children that the item is sheet chocolate. Once the chocolate has been sucked out the item should be clean and can be washed as normal.
Down the Tubes
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: A Right Royal Disaster
Bathsheba,
Fret not nor fear! I shall reveal all.
Sadly Regis House was something of a non-starter. The security guards, whilst subdued by the results of Miss Twigham’s home-dentistry, eventually recovered and tracked us to the basement where Miss Twigham was attempting to break into the station access shaft.
Now I for one am not familiar with this “lant-water” which was part of the explosive but the blast proved singularly ineffective. Thankfully the fumes were enough to sedate the guards completely whilst we made good our escape.
We then resorted to my backup plan and gained access to London Bridge by breaking in through the old station entrance nearby. Miss Twigham then prized open one of the ventilation panels on the northbound platform and – by means of a rope fashioned from the hairs found in her plughole – we swung ourselves into the approach tunnel for King William Street and hauled the panel shut behind us.
I can only assume we arrived sometime after you had made your escape since the area was in some state of disarray and the growling and shuddering were quite terrible to behold.
Worryingly, Miss Twigham was more affected. She seemed quite petrified by the slightest sound and I ended up pursuing her as she fled back down the tunnels. Finally a ghastly howl resounded forth and, distracted, she fell through the ventilation panel and down onto the platform, bruising the coxae of an unfortunate cleaner below.
At this we were discovered by the London Underground officials and the police were called. Although it is true we were taken away in order to assist them in their enquiries, they felt it best not to enquire too much and let us go in the wee small hours.
Up the Junction!
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: Horror of Horrors!
My Dear Bathsheba,
I must confess I still can’t quite believe this to be true. Obviously Aunt Enid has taken herself off like this before but has never yet done so when expressly waiting the return of her niece.
With that in mind I will say I was not totally convinced about this turn of events, but Miss Marchant was able to reluctantly verify the facts. (I say reluctantly. I think she was just holding out for more sherry.)
Looking back, though, I think it may have been better if Miss Marchant and I had held this conversation in my office, rather than in the more (and I use the word advisedly) communal areas. Miss Peggit – always a lady of a hysterically melodramatic bent – sadly overheard and, being reminded of events, became immediately distressed and had to be forcibly taken out of range of the crockery.
My greatest concern, of course, is where can the Thundersley (and its occupant) have gone? There is no doubt that any egress from the underpass would have been impossible even with Ms. Zimmer’s extensive customisations so they must surely be somewhere in that vicinity?
I note from today’s news that the tunnel is currently closed due to flooding which, if true, does sound rather remind me of that unpleasantness in the Dartford tunnel a few years back. I hesitate to suggest it, of course, but could she be developing a sort of unsanitary calling card?
I’m sure you and Miss Havelock are capable of handling this yourselves, but if you would like me or any of my ladies to assist with your investigations you only have to let me know.
Yours, as ever,
Clammy.
Muffins, Museums and Marijuana
To: Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.
Subject: I seem to have ommitted something.
Dearest Chlamydia
Regarding how I survived out there and paid my bill: I ended up working in the café in which I had first arrived. They were a tad reluctant at first, but my common sense – not to mention culinary expertise – prevailed. For a café they were making some of the most unacceptable cakes I’ve ever tasted – all dried up and hard – and I felt it my duty to show them how to bake properly.
Do you know, they’d never even heard of Battenburg?
As it happens I also managed to provide some assistance with their horticultural efforts. They appear to have been cultivating some form of herb and, as you know, I’ve always had green fingers. There were disagreements between myself and the other staff over its use (it went in absolutely everything) but, in retrospect I must admit that it did add a certain something and proved remarkably versatile in the end.
In fact it even proved effective in the casserole I knocked up on our last night. Although I fear I may have overfed my new friends at the time as an astonishing number of them fell asleep.
All in all they were a most peculiar group. Several of them wept when I left – still it’s always nice to be appreciated.
Felicitations,
Batty.
Firestorm Over Europe
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: I am beginning to regret this.
Batty,
I’m afraid I really don’t know where to begin. I must assure you that I had warned Miss Calshot not to take the liver salts before we left – she does get terribly agitated by travel – and I can only apologise on her behalf for the distressing episode that erupted just before the arrival of the taxis.
In retrospect, however (and despite the aversion of several members to being chauffeured in a hearse), it was a shame our conveyors didn’t provide more of their fleet to carry us. Seeking alternate forms of transport at that late stage proved most problematic for some of the more frail ladies in our party.
I must say, however, the attempt to commandeer one of dear Brian Souter’s contrivances on their behalf was probably a mistake on Miss Twigham’s part. To be fair, though, she did state her case in a quite convincing manner – not to mention a surprisingly forceful one, given that she was only armed with her ration book and a packet of pipe cleaners.
Actually, on the subject of the ration book perhaps you could assist me in persuading the Home Office to stop issuing them to her? I can understand their making an exception in her case since her reaction last time they stopped was quite excessively violent, but I do feel enough is enough. (For one thing the butcher is getting tired of the extra administration he must undertake in order to be recompensed).
I trust you are settled in your overnight accommodation? I shall join you early in the morning since I am currently still at the police station tending to the casualties of Miss Calshot’s over-active haemorrhoids.
Yours with the utmost concern,
Clam.
The Kerb-Crawling of Ms. Alice Zimmer
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: A Concerning Positive Reaction
My dear Batty
I fear you may have taken leave of your senses. The whole idea of travelling abroad with Ms. Zimmer and her Aunt Enid seems to me to be most reckless and foolhardy. And I must say I cannot in all conscience imagine Miss Twigham and Ms. Zimmer being confined for any period of time together, let alone three days.
(I am somewhat of the opinion that Christmas 1944 does not count as they were not, in fact, on the same continent.)
Still, one or two of our number seem rather keen on the idea – including Mrs Goldman and Mrs Schmidt, the latter of whom kept referring to it as the furthest land, or something similar. And since Miss Twigham is somewhat obstinately determined to attend, I fear I must also come along. I am, after all, well versed in the art of dealing with insurance companies and relatives.
If you are willing to make the necessary arrangements I might suggest that a preliminary booking for six of my ladies may be all that is required. Do you know of any secluded hotels?
Bearing in mind the proximity of the trip to Christmas it also gives us an ample chance to do some shopping. And Ms. Havelock seems to think much good may come of stocking up on the duty free on the way back (and indeed, one suspects, on the way over).
Yours,
C.
The Hackney Marsh Debacle of 2002
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: The Annual Gathering
My dearest Bathsheba,
It was such a charming surprise to see you on Saturday. I had no idea you were intending to visit the All-Women’s Volleyball and Crafts Tournament and your presence made the afternoon that much more delightful.
Once again it seems that the only regrettable occurrence (aside from the unexpected collapse of Ms Havelock’s support bra during the final heats) was the resurgence of the rivalry between our two more recalcitrant members.
I am, however, pleased to say that Miss Twigham has now finally agreed to corroborate our story and so from now on the event will not be considered a critical appraisal of Ms. Zimmer’s charming waste-paper basket but a tragic misunderstanding as to its intended function.
I am pleased to report, however, that some good has come out of this sorry tale and that following the concerns expressed by several bystanders Miss Twigham has agreed to consult her general practitioner with a view to obtaining dietary advice.
My attention is now turning to the Inter-Society Gathering which fast approaches. In previous years of course it has always been deemed necessary to keep our particular groups apart for the duration, but with our new found spirit of co-operation the organising committee were wondering whether your ladies might be able to assist us with the travel arrangements.
This year we have decided to move from Finsbury Park to Hackney in the hope that the occasion will be somewhat more sedate this year. I for one will not be sorry to avoid all those young men with whistles, whose revels so frequently coincide with ours.
Would it be possible for you to assist in some way?
Chariots of Fire
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: An Urgent Change of Circumstance
It is my sad duty to inform you that Miss Twigham may, despite our best efforts, be attending our outing on Saturday. One hopes that this will not be the case, but she has evaded her captors and is returning with extreme haste to the area.
Needless to say we are quite disturbed by the news, not least Mrs Frapschott-Marsh who had vouched of the organisation’s efficiency only a few months earlier, following the assistance they had given her with regards to her husband.
In that instance the outcome of said gentleman’s sojourn in the Highlands was that – following years of near-constant infidelity – he spent his last days showing little inclination to stray; indeed I understand he completely refused to leave the confines of the broom cupboard for several weeks.
(It was the three bottles of Febreze which did for him in the end, of course, although one can only guess at how he managed to use the syringes in the dark.)
In contrast Miss Twigham seems to have been quite revived by the experience and, judging by the police report, discovered one or two unconventional arrangements for gorse and heather which suggest her captors’ methods rather backfired on them.
Naturally if she does insist on accompanying us to the spa I will insist she checks herself thoroughly for misplaced fronds prior to disrobing.
Despite this minor setback my members and I are looking forward to the weekend with great enthusiasm.
Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.
Aunt Enid and the Thundersley
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: An Unnerving Circumstance
I regret to inform you that events have lead to us impounding the invalid car of the variably cadaverous Ms. Zimmer.
Confusion surrounding the mortal status of your member may have lead to an oversight by whoever parked her car whilst the embalmers were round on Thursday. The result of this was that the vehicle, unimpeded by small matters such as brakes and a curiously sharp bend, rolled down Winston Drive at four o’clock this morning.
As you are aware, another resident of this charming street is Miss Twigham, who lives at the opposite end of the hill. However while Miss Twigham is away it was decided that Greta Havelock would take care of the property.
At around the time in question, as she was investigating the disappearance of various spirits from Miss Twigham’s private supply, Ms. Havelock was disturbed to find the vehicle had rolled down the road, entered the garden and started bumping into the front door.
Regretfully Ms. Havelock’s reaction to this, especially following the sinister evaporation of a large amount of Glenmorangie, was somewhat hysterical and it took some time (not to mention brandy) to calm her down.
Therefore can I ask if one of your members could retrieve the offending vehicle and possibly have its electricals looked over? It keeps switching itself on and heading towards the northbound lane of the M1.
Obviously we have kept the vehicle in good condition, and have tried to do the same for its contents, although one cannot help but feel the Tottenham Court Road tube sign should be returned to London Transport.
The chicken and the length of chalk have, I regret to say, both seen better days.
Yours hopefully,
Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.
The Death of Ms. Alice Zimmer
To: Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.
Subject: The Sudden and Unexpected Death of Ms. Alice Zimmer
The Pimlico League of Educated Ladies would like to inform the Moorgate Institute of Classical Female Elders of the demise of Ms. Alice Zimmer who, after a protracted illness, finally succumbed to lightning strike whilst playing golf at the highest point on Hampstead Heath.
The deceased will, at her own request, be burned on a floating pyre in the lake in Green Park with full Viking honours.
I should perhaps warn you, however, that there is currently some debate within our group as to the validity of the term “of sound mind and body” since the will then goes on to request the rubbing down of at least five of our group with goose grease, followed by their performing a synchronised swimming spectacular around the burning pyre.
Perhaps the most vehement complaint, however, came from Miss Whitfield who was requested – by name – to throw herself on the pyre after lighting.
However, as I have said before, duty is duty.
Apart from extending an invite to attend said pyrotechnic display, we were wondering how everything was going over in Moorgate?
MBC Jodrell-Bentley (Madam)
The Confusion Begins
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: From the Desk of the MIoCFE
It is with hope and no small measure of pride that I approach you in my new capacity as Chairman of the Moorgate Institute of Classical Female Elders. My appointment is a matter of great personal pride since, as I am sure you are aware, it was my great-grandmother who founded the society almost 150 years ago.
In the interests of promoting goodwill between our groups, I would like to extend an olive branch to you and other members of the Penge Institute for Ladies of the Night (Victoria Branch). This is in the hope that events of the recent past may be put to rest and a new era of co-operation begin.
To this end I would like to extend an invitation to you and your members to join us at informal meeting at some point in the coming weeks. In the interests of democracy I would like to leave the choice of venue in your more than capable hands.
This decision is also partially due to the behaviour of our own Miss Twigham whose antics have somewhat reduced our options down to two public houses and what can only be described as a tatty fish-restaurant off the London Wall. Many of our members are getting more than a little bored with these options – except Miss Haversham for whom the sushi-bar stirs inexplicably fond memories – and we would relish a change of scene.
I hope that your members will be amenable to this suggestion and that our own long-standing association will allow us all to overcome recent disputes and engender a new sense of co-operation between our two groups.
Yours with the fondest regards,
Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe